I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 2 minutes.
Me, trying to explain to my daughter what a jukebox was: “You know, kinda like an 800-lb. iPod.
Guns don't kill people, dad's with pretty daughters do.
Cyberbilly
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money
I just realized that <3 is supposedly a heart. Dunno how I feel about that...I kind of enjoyed reading it as "clown penis," or "ass hat."
Cyberbilly
Dear Google: Please stop being like my wife. Kindly let me complete my sentence before you start to give me suggestions.