Funny Statuses

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

I really need to buy a new toaster. Mine has only two settings: "is it even on?" and "Viking Funeral".

If you hear 20 minutes of moaning coming out of my bedroom. It’s just me trying to get up.

If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.

‪I’ve done terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

Self checkout should include an employee discount.

I'm gonna get my life together. This damn heat makes me realize I can’t go to Hell