Funny Statuses

I’m staring a petition for Barbara Walters to do the Ball Drop next New Year just to hear her say “ I’m Barbara Walters, and this is 2020”

A friend asked me why scuba divers always fall backwards into the water. I told him if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat.

I just found out cockfighting is done with roosters. That's 12 months of training wasted.

I'm not sure what shocked my mailman more, the fact that I came to the door completely naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.

The liquor store clerk just wished me a Merry Christmas. As if he wasn't going to see me 5 more times before then.

Taco Bell is selling fries. Burger King is selling tacos. KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches. I knew we shouldn’t have legalized marijuana

‪Cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was. I told him it was between 8 am and 1 pm‬