WTF Statuses

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

Divorce (di·vorc·e; noun) The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

There are people out there whose job is to stab trees and boil their blood into breakfast gravy.

At this point I believe politicians about as much as the letters column in Penthouse magazine.

Nothing you can ever accomplish will make your parents any happier than the first time you slept through the night.

If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I'd be screwed.

I'm gonna get my life together. This damn heat makes me realize I can’t go to Hell