WTF Statuses

‪instead of a condom, carry a moist towelette in your wallet. You run into chicken wings a lot more offer than sex. ‬

‪I was drinking at a bar then I took a bus home. That doesn’t seems very odd to you but I’ve never driven a bus before ‬

To my wife: We're not getting older. We're getting more interesting to medical professionals.

If you have 12 followers on Instagram, you’re unpopular. If you have 12 followers in real life, you’re the messiah.

People get mad at the teenagers trick or treating when the real freeloaders are the parents with the infants.

‪Im doing crunches twice a day now. Captain in the in the morning and Nestle in the afternoon ‬

How are turkeys ever awake with all of that tryptophan in them?