Funny Status Ideas

I have a pet termite. I named him Clint. CLINT EATS WOOD

This whole DOGE thing is getting out of hand, my wife just sent me an email asking me to list 5 things I’ve done around the house by midnight tonight.

I don’t need to watch the news to tell me how hard it’s going to snow, as I can always tell by how many loaves of bread are left on the shelf at the supermarket.

Someone threw a jar of Mayonnaise at me! I was like, What the Hellman!?

It's so cold, there's a line of chickens outside of KFC asking to use the deep fryer

If you get locked out! Talk to the lock calmly. Communication is the key

I'm at the age where my mind firmly believes I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, and my body died in the Civil War.