Funny Status Ideas

Has anybody actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

I’m tired of people complaining about $7.00 dollars beers, $10.00 dollars parking, and $20.00 dollars cover charge. Don’t like the prices? Stop coming to my house.

Just give the Hedge Funds a 600 dollars check. They will be fine.

I was playing air drums to Rush in my car and lost a stick out the window. I had to change over to Def Leppard.

The Buccaneers perfectly captured the spirit of Tampa Bay by their feature player being a middle aged man who spent his career in the northeast and then moved to Florida to retire.

Me: [donating body to Science] Science: [donates my body to Goodwill]

Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with and he’s the light of the world, I do it and I’m “making Thanksgiving awkward.”