Funny Status Ideas

A critic is a legless man who teaches other people to run.

I have a half brother....no seriously, he's a midget.

I saw a mosquito stand on my arm and let it bite me while I just stared and said "is it in yet?" to make it feel insecure about itself.

Wife called and said she's bringing me a salad home from McDonalds...that's like going to a hooker for a hug.

I got excited when I made this cute baby smile. Then she put it in perspective by giggling at the fat slob next to me when he burped.

Finally had "the talk" with my daughter about the birds & bees. Hardest part was explaining the whips and handcuffs.

I think the disaster we're most over-prepared for is the floor turning to lava.