Funny Status Ideas

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible...No, wait. Sorry. I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that. Never mind.

When one person is obsessed with another it's called stalking. When two people are obsessed with each other it's called love.

I only use Facebook to complain about new Facebook features.

I can be up bright or early. Pick one.

The best part of my morning is when my cat curls up in my lap and falls asleep. I really don't want it to end. Hence the duct tape.

I had to poop, but I was in the shower. All of the sudden I needed to fart really bad. I thought to myself sneak the fart out around the poop. Attempted previous thought. Turns out you can't get the black powder out of a gun without firing the bullet :(

Chewbacca is like an over-sized pekingese with an auto-tuner shoved in his throat.