Funny Status Ideas

I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I nearly killed a cyclist...

Blue-tooth: (noun) An exterior device worn on the ear to let crazy people who talk to themselves fool others by making them think they are talking to someone real.

I don't always keep people in suspense, but when i do,

If time is money, then are ATM's time machines?

I don't always wake up early without an alarm, But when I do, it's a weekend.

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.