Funny Status Ideas

I don't always keep people in suspense, but when i do,

If time is money, then are ATM's time machines?

I don't always wake up early without an alarm, But when I do, it's a weekend.

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.

If you're wondering why obesity is so prevalent in the states I have three words for you: Hungry, Hungry Hippos. It trained us well.

I wish I could sign a kid's baseball and have it mean something other than "You just ruined my baseball."