Funny Status Ideas

They say that half of life is just showing up. But they won't tell me where.

Does Hallmark make a Get Well card for a boss that suggests they take their time with it?

Goodbye Qwikster. Now I'll go back to using you as a nickname for my penis.

Sometimes when I’m carrying one of my sleeping children I’m tempted to wake them up & say “You’re gonna do this for me in 20 years, right?”

Old MacDonald had a really bad scrabble hand. E-I-E-I-O

Out of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with, how did two sticks win?

NASA's planning a mission to clean up space debris. Will they wear orange spacesuits? I want to do that for my community service.