Funny Status Ideas

Shouldn't old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?

I'm so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I'd really like your help on my virtual farm.

Feel free to use the "or less" feature of your 140 characters.

Even if I have no idea why you broke up but I see you went from a relationship to single on Facebook, I'm clicking Like just to stir the pot.

When I gave my wife a cookbook as a gift, she learned how to bake a cake, how to sauté, and exactly how hard she can throw a book at my head.

Tried explaining Twitter to my dad, but his "why would you want to do that?" argument was pretty bulletproof.

Mom taught me "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all". I ended up mute for most of the 90s.