Funny Status Ideas

I'll have a sandwich, hold the mustard. That's right, hold it gently. Now whisper something sexy to it. Good, good.

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"

Flava Flav is sure going to be busy setting all his jewelry back one hour tonight.

Spotify posts on Facebook have made it so much easier to decide what music I'm not going to listen to anymore.

"It's not you, it's me." - twins looking at family photos

Earthquakes are just God listening to Hey Ya.

Every time a friend starts a sentence with, "I went to a psychic," I yell, "SPOILER ALERT!" and cover my ears.