Funny Status Ideas

My dog just broke a mirror. Poor bastard. Forty-nine years of bad luck.

Trump has called Huntsman and Paul "joke candidates". All over the world, pots and kettles share a forgiving embrace.

Don't waste electricity. Would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?

Dear rappers, please stop putting sirens in your music. When im driving it scares the crap out of me.

Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.

What's the smoothest way to tell your dinner date that she has to get something of equal or lesser value?

I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.