Funny Status Ideas

How quickly my dad wants to leave the restaurant is a good indicator as to how poorly he just tipped the waitress.

If it's true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff.

I'm very tolerant towards lactose intolerance. It's the only intolerance I tolerate.

I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet with it.

You know who's the WORST name-dropper? My good friend Will Smith.

What separates me from many convicted criminals is quite likely caffeine.

Don't confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am, and my attitude depends on who you are.