Funny Status Ideas

Seems like every time a tornado lands it hits a trailer park and the media interviews some toothless, fat guy in a t-shirt and cutoffs holding a Chihuahua. My idea: Build decoy trailer parks just outside of town, complete with fake people, so the tornado hits it before it does any real harm. You're welcome Oklahoma.

My microwave is awesome at heating up my plate and leaving my food frozen.

Guy Fieri is the human equivalent of caps lock.

My wife said to me "I want you to whisper dirty things into my ear." So I said "kitchen, bathroom, living room.."

Raisins are just vegetarian jerky.

I left my cell phone at home. I feel so helpless. I've totally forgotten how we used to ignore people before these things.

I miss the days in college when my alarm clock would be set in the P.M.