Funny Status Ideas

Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.

TIP: If you only vacuum the living room, your guests just assume you vacuumed the whole house.

Why does water that has "trickled through the mountains for centuries" have a "use by" date?

Sometimes I stop and think "I know you can read my thoughts" just in case.

Getting off the internet at night is often the hardest part of my day.

I would be so much nicer if you were just a little smarter.

I can't imagine how long it would've taken to build the Empire State Building if videos of cats and fistfights existed back then.