Funny Status Ideas

One of these days I'm going to get help for my procrastination problem

Every kid today wants to be Batman, Superman, or Spider-Man. Personally, I blame the parents. If parents were better at parenting, maybe their kids wouldn't want to be orphans.

Why do we say "I'm on a bus" or "I'm on a play", but we say "I'm in a car?"

I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights and save the environment. The last time I did that I ran over a cyclist.

I had to go on two diets because one wasn't giving me enough food.

I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light and had a bumper sticker on it that said “Honk if you love Jesus.”

It's only murder when they find a body. Up til then, it's just a missing person.