Funny Status Ideas

I'm 87% sure "snooze button" time is sped up and "waiting for the microwave" time is slowed down and this is not okay.

I wish there was a pen that could copy and paste

Just imagine how fast church would go if Busta Rhymes was the preacher.

What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?

Dear Algebra, Stop asking us to find your X. She's not coming back.

Dear Google: Please stop being like my wife. Kindly let me complete my sentence before you start to give me suggestions.

It has been brought to my attention that the stick figure decals on the back windows of vehicles are NOT pedestrian "kill" scores, but, actually are meant to represent members of your family. I'll be removing mine ASAP to avoid any further confusion.