Funny Status Ideas

‪I’ve done terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

Slapping one side of someone’s hand is a punishment. Slapping the other side is a reward.

Two touchdowns for the US Women's team...too bad they missed that second extra point

How to cook the perfect amount of spaghetti: Step 1. Remove from box how much you think you need. Step 2. Eliminate half the amount you thought you needed. Step 3. Invite a friend over for spaghetti if you want to skip step 2

I really need to buy a new toaster. Mine has only two settings: "is it even on?" and "Viking Funeral".

Clapping is literally just slapping yourself because you like something .

Nothing you can ever accomplish will make your parents any happier than the first time you slept through the night.