Funny Status Ideas

"Don't worry! I won't kill you!" is not a good pickup line when you meet a woman while jogging.

What do you get the person who has everything? A round of aggressive antibiotics is probably a good place to start.

My doctor checked my fitness level and said I was getting atrophy. Where should I put it? I never got a fitness award before!

"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.

My wife opened a nice bottle of wine last night to let it breathe, but it wasn't, so I gave it mouth-to-mouth.

I just heard a woodpecker call me a 'paranoid old weirdo' in morse code.

If someone's Facebook picture is a car, should I assume that they are a transformer?