Funny Status Ideas

When I start to get down I think, "Hey I have the same amount of Tour de France titles as Lance Armstrong." And that's what gets me through.

Do you think woodpeckers get headaches?

If I talk dirty to my laundry, will it do itself?

One thing life has taught me is that trying to please everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

The answer to the Westboro Baptist Church protests of military funerals is to aim the 21 gun salute at them.

My Smart Phone has more computing power than NASA did in 1969 and they went to the moon. All I do is play Angry Birds. Yes, I'm an underachiever.

The Christmas economy depends on people buying possessions to celebrate the birthday of a man who denounced possessions.