Funny Status Ideas

Wouldn't it be cool if breast implants came with squeaky toys in them?

My wife says I know how to push all her buttons, but I have yet to find the Mute button.

Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff.

I found Samuel L. Jackson's swear jar and I don't think he's being completely honest with himself.

Microwave logic: lets make half of this meal completely frozen, and the other half ridiculously hot to eat.

A picture used to say a thousand words, before Photoshop and strategic cell phone angles

The nice thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.