Funny Status Ideas

My cooking is fabulous, even the smoke alarm is cheering me on!

I refuse to watch any presidential debates until both candidates are hooked up to lie detectors

I don't think that someone who commits a murder suicide is really thinking about the afterlife. How awkward would it be to see the people you just killed after you die?

I'm not saying she's a slut, but she's been pounded more than the I in Pixar.

People left their old iphones for an extra half inch. Hopefully their girlfriends don't do the same.

People tell me all the time that I worry too much. Well let me tell you, worrying works! 99% of the stuff I worry about never happens!

Did you know that the iPhone 5 can actually help you lose weight? It's true! Simply buy it and you won't be able to afford to eat for a month!