Funny Status Ideas

Groupon emails serve as a nice daily reminder of all the fun stuff I can't afford to do even at a 60% discount.

Did you "ask" me or "axe" me? Because seriously, one is murder.

I'm going to buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together, so when people say "are those hermit crabs?" I can say "not any more, they're mingling crabs"

Of all the lies I've told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.

Is the new American motto, "If at first you don't 'secede', try, try again"?

Lincoln is doing well in theaters. Historically this has not been true.

If you are thinking of having an affair, just remember the head of the CIA couldn't even get away with it.