Funny Status Ideas

Anyone who can tell if they are speeding up or slowing down a ceiling fan on the first try is a wizard, and should not be trusted.

Just get hoarders addicted to crack. They'll sell all their stuff to buy more crack. Problem solved.

I can understand why you are mad at me, but the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it.

So there are these "Don't start forest fires" commercials telling me to "Get my Smokey on." All I can think is, if an anthropomorphic bear in a pair of jeans and a ranger hat comes up and tells me not to set stuff on fire, I probably already did.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease but it's also the first one to be replaced.

My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her. According to her lawyer, she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend.

I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.Somebody is going to be wrong.