Funny Status Ideas

It's 10 degrees here today. I just keyed someone's car with my nipples.

Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.

Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?

On chilly nights the Amish use acoustic blankets.

Clearly Obama flunked his first term since he's being forced to repeat it again.

When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook for me just to freak people out. Things like, "hey, who knew they had wifi up here?"

Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.