Funny Status Ideas

I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but... Oh, hell. Now I'm depressed.

Let's all pause for a moment of silence for all of those people stuck in traffic going to the gym to ride a stationary bicycle.

Heat causes things to expand, so I'm not fat; I'm just hot.

My ex-girlfriend was like a dwarf star. Extremely hot but not very bright.

I like sleeping because it is kind of like being dead but without the commitment.

How do you get holy water? Burn the Hell out of it.

Unlike the Super Bowl, my blackouts are brought to you by Captain Morgan.