Funny Status Ideas

I just found out I passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.

Sarcasm is a body’s natural defense against stupid.

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.

I don't like to make plans too far in advance because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I love how urban dictionary says "look up any word, like bootylicious"

I once worked as a doorman at a swanky hotel. It was an entry level position.