Funny Status Ideas

Heat causes things to expand, so I'm not fat; I'm just hot.

My ex-girlfriend was like a dwarf star. Extremely hot but not very bright.

I like sleeping because it is kind of like being dead but without the commitment.

How do you get holy water? Burn the Hell out of it.

Unlike the Super Bowl, my blackouts are brought to you by Captain Morgan.

Someone needs to make an app that alerts you every time your girlfriend gets a haircut, so we don't forget to notice.

If you want something to be misinterpreted, post it on the Internet.