Funny Status Ideas

Don't die a virgin. Seriously, there are terrorists up there waiting for you.

Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year's resolutions.

Gas prices aren't really that bad when you remember that you're essentially buying badass dinosaurs in liquid form.

Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "thank you" will suffice. None of this "how did you get in my house" business.

I have, a really beautiful body, under my floor boards...

I failed my driver's test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."