Funny Status Ideas

Nothing says "My life isn't going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal-Mart at 1am.

I'm at an age where when I see a guy with a hot body and I think, "Man, I just want to place a sleeping infant in those arms and go take a nap."

I was just forced to use "Almond Milk" in my cereal. "Do almonds have teets? Where in the hell is almond milk from?"

I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 18 minutes

When you put your hand out the window on the highway, make sure you're making a fist. That way, when a bug hits your hand, you're actually punching it at 70 mph.

I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.

Your mom jokes are old and stretched out. Just like your mom.