Funny Status Ideas

I was just forced to use "Almond Milk" in my cereal. "Do almonds have teets? Where in the hell is almond milk from?"

I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 18 minutes

When you put your hand out the window on the highway, make sure you're making a fist. That way, when a bug hits your hand, you're actually punching it at 70 mph.

I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.

Your mom jokes are old and stretched out. Just like your mom.

I think it's good that these high school kids keep asking celebrities to be their prom dates. Let them learn early that life is disappointing.

Okay let's be honest. The only thing worse than seeing a spider in your house, is losing a spider in your house.