Funny Status Ideas

If you see a hot 16-year-old with a baby, does that mean she is a MILF or Jailbait?

So far the only thing I've attracted with these edible undies is ants.

If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.

I was going to start jogging today, but then I remembered that I own a car.

Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I've ever played.

Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.

Most days I feel like three kids stacked up on each other’s shoulders, covered by a huge coat, trying to pass as one of all these grown-ups.