Funny Status Ideas

If I was Voldemort, one of my horcruxes would be an artificial heart inside a sick child. Your move Harry.

I make seven figures but the first two are zero.

1% of battery life remaining? Challenge accep

One of my many excellent qualities is how humble I am

I never hear from most of my High School classmates unless their email account gets hacked.

I want to start a band called "Day Job" so that when we play and people say "don't quit your day job" I'll be like "thanks we practice a lot".

I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything