Funny Status Ideas

I don't feel bad for making jokes about my 2 year old here. If Facebook is still around when I'm old they'll be posting about wiping my butt too!

Don't get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

Why is it called lukewarm? Why isn’t it just medium warm? Who the heck is luke?

I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.

I want an auctioneer to read my eulogy.

Why is it that the people that "tell it like it is" are always the people you never want hear anything from?

I wish running felt great during and terrible after instead of the reverse, because I seem to be better about doing things in vodka order.