Funny Status Ideas

Dear Microsoft: If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. What would you rather say? "I just Googled Catherine Zeta Jones" or "I just Banged Catherine Zeta Jones"?

The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.

Spoon had a gleam that just made fork swoon. Spoon wooed fork 'neath a bright autumn moon. Stork brought them spork in the middle of June.

But your honor, he said 'till death do us part. What was I supposed to do? Wait for natural causes to take him?

To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn't easy.

My local news station just announced that they fired their lead anchor. Apparently he was really weighing down the show.

Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.