Funny Status Ideas

Currently 22 minutes and 34 seconds into a phone call with my mom....she hasn't stopped for air once

Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else's accomplishments.

I'm not saying I'm out of shape but I just stretched, got winded and need to lie down

If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don't mind it at all.

If you see me smiling, it means I'm up to no good. If you see me laughing, I've already done it.

I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."

I'm not saying you did it, I'm just saying I'm blaming you