Funny Status Ideas

I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It's not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.

The only reason women's minds are cleaner than men's is because they change them so often!

Starbucks is banning smoking within 25 feet of their stores. It's tricky, because every Starbucks is 25 feet from another Starbucks.

I’ve never seen my baby floss. GROSS! No wonder he only has two teeth.

There's no way to prove that all murders aren't just time travelers killing future Hitlers

I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.

Who was the marketing genius that called them killer whales instead of sea-pandas?