Funny Status Ideas

How to discipline your child: 1. Politely ask them to stop. 2. Yell. 3. Yell louder. 4. Repeat yourself 74 times. 5. Give up and drink.

Aaron Hernandez. This guy's going in as a tight end and coming out a wide receiver.

Just found this new app that tells you which of your family members are racist. It's called Facebook.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.

Running away *will* solve my problems. My weight problems.