Funny Status Ideas

I go to the gym so infrequently that I still call it the James.

Cat hair is lonely people glitter.

Just saw a guy check out my wife. Good luck, dude. I don't even have a chance with her and I'm MARRIED to her.

I'm somewhere in between the kind of person my dog thinks I am & the kind my ex's friends think I am.

Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?

I want a closed-casket funeral when I die. And in case anyone opens it, I want one of those boxing gloves on a spring to shoot out.

I'd be a vegetarian if bacon grew on trees.