Funny Status Ideas

I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It's easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald's

I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you're being chased by a giant spider.

If someone makes a racist/sexist joke, say, with total seriousness, “I don’t get it, can you explain it.” Then watch them crash & burn.

Took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name.

2013 me can't believe 2005 me actually knew 8 people I liked enough to put in a MySpace Top 8.

I really love all the new features in Adobe Reader's eighth update today.

If I were a cannibal, I'd work at a tanning salon. That way my dinners would cook themselves.