Funny Status Ideas

I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.

I feel like we should wait to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs before we choose sides.

Duct tape doesn't fix stupidity, but it definitely muffles the sound.

How can people lift weights? My arms get tired just by putting my hair in a ponytail...

I finally gave my wife multiple orgasms, but she still isn't happy. Apparently it doesn't count if they are years apart.

Someone complimented my summer tan today and I was too embarrassed to tell them, "At this age, it's my liver spots connecting."

God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...