Funny Status Ideas

Duct tape doesn't fix stupidity, but it definitely muffles the sound.

How can people lift weights? My arms get tired just by putting my hair in a ponytail...

I finally gave my wife multiple orgasms, but she still isn't happy. Apparently it doesn't count if they are years apart.

Someone complimented my summer tan today and I was too embarrassed to tell them, "At this age, it's my liver spots connecting."

God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...

I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It's easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald's

I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you're being chased by a giant spider.