Funny Status Ideas

Help wanted: Local club seeking experienced comedian. Serious applicants need not apply.

I'm trying to decide if I should update all my software "Not Now" or "Remind Me Later".

Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you "fall asleep right now".

I finally found a diet plan that works! It's called 'The Cost of Food'.

A teenager without earbuds is the modern day unicorn.

I don't take steroids because I never want to look like I'm capable of helping my friends move.

I admire the commitment of girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? What if you find a penny?