Funny Status Ideas

I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.

There are two types of people: People who go to sleep on time and people who have Netflix.

You'll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.

I'm holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.

I miss being able to slam my phone down when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.

Help wanted: Local club seeking experienced comedian. Serious applicants need not apply.

I'm trying to decide if I should update all my software "Not Now" or "Remind Me Later".