Funny Status Ideas

I put on my pants just like everyone else. Reluctantly.

I heard that Peyton Manning was on steroids. The only thing that got bigger was his forehead.

I don't need pepper spray to stop a robber, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.

I won’t be coming into work tomorrow because I’m participating in a sleep study.

Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.

So, Dr. Oz recommended Coconut milk a few days ago. I have the coconut suspended over a small bowl. Can anyone tell me where the heck the teats are?

I work for the world's largest nanotechnology company. We're not very good.