Funny Status Ideas

‪Local man addicted to Brake Fluid says he can stop at any time. ‬

I got a Roomba for Christmas. It seriously picks up a lot of dirt. For example it found out my neighbors wife has been having an affair for 3 years and also my other neighbor is behind on her mortgage by 3 months

Tampon makers have announced that they will be replacing their tampon string with tinsel. They'll only be available for the Christmas period.

‪My ability to remember a song lyric from the 80’s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen. ‬

Christmas Tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Every time your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.

I've decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing. I really think it will spice up my autobiography.

No matter how bad your attempt at breaking into a prison, it'll work.