Funny Status Ideas

Dear Zombies, Why not just eat other zombies? Sincerely, non-zombies.

I feel bad for all the parents whose daughters will cross over from scary to slutty Halloween costumes this year.

When I'm not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.

For Halloween I'm going to write "Life" on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers.

I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".

Can someone help me with a way to permanently stop my husband's snoring? Any size pillow will do...

People say circumcision doesn’t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year.