Funny Status Ideas

If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.

Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate

I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.

I'm going to change my name to benefits. That way when you add me, it will say "you are now friends with benefits"

The work week is so long even the calendar says W T F

When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook for me just to freak people out. Things like, "Hey, who knew they had a Chipotle up here?"

Advice to men: If a woman ever says "Are you wearing that?" it should never be worn. It's best to throw it away now.