Funny Status Ideas

Free speech my ass. This cell phone bill is outrageous!

Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.

I was addicted to the Hokey-Pokey but I turned myself around.

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1PM and 2014.

Started from the bottom. Still pretty much there...

Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.

Is there any way I can tell my bro he told a cool story without sounding sarcastic?