Funny Status Ideas

A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.

Dear middle finger, thanks for always standing up for me.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘man, just be yourself.

I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave."

Behind every great man is a great woman and a couple other great people wishing he'd just order something

If I'm on IMDB, I'm probably settling an argument.